Friday, January 28, 2011

Ask Asha: The Reason for Attractions

[You can ask your own question here.]


Dear Asha,

Your take on this situation was so right! This woman is so different from me it would take nothing short of a miracle for us to come together.

I followed your advice and prayed to Divine Mother “Whatever you desire of me in this situation, let that be done."

Almost without warning, the woman completely cooled off towards me! This must be a great thing, right? Still, there is great suffering in me. Why did the universe kindle the attraction between us if it was doomed to fail right at the start? Was the time spent together completely meaningless?



Dear V:

The attraction between men and women is inherent. It is not personal. It is the way we are made. Yes, some connections also have a personal element, but even without that, the magnetism can be activated. When Swami Kriyananda was a young monk, Master advised him, very strictly, to avoid as much as possible being in the company of any woman, even older women, where there wasn't the slightest chance of attraction. Master said that the magnetism between the sexes is very subtle and can easily pull us out of our center.

This world is designed to challenge us to stay centered. And for this reason, God often sends us attractive options that are not destined to be fulfilled. God wants us to understand that the fulfillment we are seeking lies only within. Not that pleasant things will never happen. We do marry. We do have families, but the success of those relationships, I assure you, depends entirely on your self-control.

If you are not self-controlled -- emotionally, sexually, verbally, energetically -- relationships become miserable very fast. Of course you interact, you have intimacy, you talk and share, but if you don't have some level of self-mastery things get disharmonious very easily. With self-control, relationships can be very satisfying. Without it, not so likely.

So God is training you by putting in front of you an attraction, then taking it away, then challenging you to master your desire in order to learn self-control that will help you when the right relationship does come.

This attraction was kindled by the fact that you are a man and she is a woman. I don't know this woman at all but I wouldn't be surprised if she is in the habit of drawing the attention of men to herself, "flirting," as people call it. And not taking the results very seriously.

By contrast, I think you are not at all inclined to play with this magnetism and got drawn into a net that was very confusing for you.

Merely to be attracted, as I wrote earlier, is not the same as to be destined to be together. Almost any man and any woman if they open that door of magnetism can kindle an attraction. It just means you are human.

I know you would like to find some deeper destiny here, but I don't think there is one.

Whether or not your time with her was meaningless depends entirely on what you consider meaningful. If having a certain outcome was the definition of meaning for you, then, yes, it was meaningless. If simply enjoying one another's company was meaningful, then it did have meaning.

Again, I think you want somehow to find a cosmic reason that will ensure that you can be with this woman. I don't think it is there.

And yes, it is tough once you have become enmeshed in magnetism like this to have it disappear. That is how we learn. We follow something that isn't in our best interest, we reap the inevitable results of that wrong direction. We suffer. And, hopefully, we learn.

I wish there was some other answer I could give you.

You allowed yourself to follow an attraction that was not suitable and now your energy is way outside of center and will have to be brought back to center. Not so easy, but what choice do you have?

I will pray for you.


[Questions and answers from other Ananda ministers worldwide can be found on the Ask the Experts page of]

1 comment:

  1. On the surface, my question has an unambiguous answer,and I know what it is. But please, help me here.

    My partner claims to have been in pain for years over an inability to 'connect to the world' with symptoms similar to Bipolarity but not diagnosed as such. He has a deep understanding of spirituality, but I broke off with him after 15 years over his constant straying.

    He explains it away as a result of the pain he was going through and now he says he has healed and wants me back. And wants to grow spiritually together.

    Can people really change?

    When one commits to love and forgive EVERYTHING, does it include inconstancy?


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